“I thought she was my best friend.”

Unfortunately, it’s a common story, “We were best friends and then suddenly, we weren’t.” It breeds all sorts of assumptions – from the obvious to the completely absurd – and devours girls whole, until there is literally no way to come back from the damage that has been done. Girls are not surprisingly the most ruthless to the one they once considered their Best Friend.

I have not been immune; each time a friendship has faltered, my walls would shoot up so I could protect myself. I’ve said to my mom and other friends countless times, “How could she believe that to be true about me? She was my best friend! Doesn’t she know me well enough to know I wouldn’t do/say that?!”

In my experience, honesty is queen in a best friendship. At some point, one friend decides that the honesty is too much – something she doesn’t want. Perhaps the honesty comes across as too bold or harsh, or a listening ear is all she really wants. Whatever the reason, a one-sided decision is made but not voiced. Thus begins the agonizingly slow or dizzyingly fast breakdown of the relationship.

I thought after my first best friendship failed, I’d learn what not to do in the next. But the next BF came and went. As did the BF after that… and after that. It took me years to finally see beyond myself – I’m still learning – and understand that I am not the victim. In every relationship, I am present. I most definitely had a role in the demise of my past friendships.

It’s hard enough to admit your wrongs to a friend and ask for forgiveness. For me, it’s been even harder to admit some of my wrongs to myself. Yes, my character did not deserve the grotesque rumors spread about me after these friendships ended, but my lack in the action of proving loyalty and commitment – love – to my friends makes me understand why the gossip was healing for them and necessary for me to experience.

When faced with conflict, I would save myself at whatever cost to my friends; I’d land on two feet, dust myself off, and feel bad for my friends but proud of myself. I could have prevented the damaging fallout of these friendships had I been willing to go above and beyond for my friends.

At Ardent, we define love as wanting the greatest good for another person, no matter what. With love on your side, no amount of rumors or gossip will add up; no one will be able to fault your character or question your motives. And when they try, the gossip will die as soon as it passes from their lips because it will fall on deaf ears.

As with most things, it’s easier said than done.

I have attempted repair with some of my past friendships. I have been met with hesitancy, acceptance, anger, and an array of other emotions. In all my attempts, it is understood that even if repair is achieved, the friendship will never quite be the same as what it once was. The bolts and bandages are there to promote healing but as with any surgery, a certain level of care and caution is recommended. Sometimes the friendships heal and there is nothing more to give. Other times the friendships heal and a new relationship emerges that is stronger because of the journey.

Regardless of the outcome, I have grown to operate in my new friendships differently. I continue to teach myself to be honest first and foremost, with myself. I recognize that I am the constant. I admit my wrongs to myself and to my friends, asking for forgiveness. And above all, I love my friends – no matter what.